I Think Someone Peed In My Gene Pool

I have been sick with the cavalcade of germs, viruses and flu’s my children have brought home from parts unknown and in my mind unspeakable.  It seems anytime they return from their latest outing and just as I am getting over whatever they brought home last week one or all have something new and try as I might to stay away from them I still get it.  My mother said you need to wash your hands more and you wouldn’t pick it up.  My daughter, with great care for my feelings told me I am washing my hands like a neurotic raccoon. I am still sick.  I am thinking I need a bubble to live in. 

So anyway, I have had all this down time and that is not good for me as my mind wanders into places it really should never go.  So to keep from loading shotguns and ending up in the middle of some gruesome made for TV movie, I have resorted to television.  Now don’t get me wrong its not that I don’t watch TV or love it…I do.  The problem arises when that is the only thing I do and while I am sick that is the only thing I can do…well other than bitch but that makes other people want to load the shotguns so this is a lose-lose situation. 

I have noticed a trend on television.  People are misusing and mispronouncing words like they are winning money for it.  And this made me think about all the words my family and I use that are wrong.  My family is big on making up some words and I am no exception as a matter of fact I think my children get it from me.  A commonly used word in my family is INKO-BINKO……which FYI is not just small but way tiny, like a newborn baby  who is underweight I refer to as inko-binko. 

When my children do idiotic crap I refer to them as a f-tard.  I have used this word for years and years and no one else did but recently I have noticed that this word is getting used by other people.  It should be, it’s a good word and describes a teenager and their decision making powers, well to a tee so to speak.

But there are other words which make me laugh and then some that get on my nerves.  So I have comprised a list and you can feel free to add any as I love these and am sure I would love yours as well and supposedly laughter is the best medicine. So here it is. 

Chester Drawers……this was a holiday nugget from my father over Christmas.  This still makes me laugh though and it was not the first time I had encountered it.  About a year ago I read in our local classified section of the newspaper that someone had place and ad wanting to sell a chester drawers.  At the time I gave credit to the crackerjack proofreaders at the paper because the next ad was for a Earphone guitar and a Peasley amp. And for those of you who do not know it was actually an Epiphone  and a Peavey so you can understand how would blamed the locals for Chester Drawers….which just as an aside in my opinion would be an EXCELENT band name!  But alas the actual item is a chest of drawers that most of us just call a chest.

 Grodge….pronounced just like Dodge except with a gr and most of my family says this so it is rather endearing to me but what they are actually saying is ……garage

Jewelery, aka Jury…….this drives me bonkers and mostly because its not a regional thing.  Before any awards show on the red carpet you will find idiots talking about what dress designer they are wearing and who the jewelry designer is but inevitably more than half of them will refer to it as one of the  aforementioned  choices.  At first I thought ‘Crystal you are being to hard on the stars and starlets of today after all there is no brain prerequisite to be a Paris, Brit or Linds, you just have to be okay with showing your cash and prizes for pictures, not get fat and your in.’  Nobody ever said you had to even learn words for their jobs.  Now that I think about it Paris appears to only know how to giggle and then just the two words…ya know that’s hot. 

Nucular………Nuclear  former. President it is pronounced Nu-clee-er it most certainly is not Nuk-U-Lar!  He would say this all the time and its like nails on a chalkboard for me and then I would invariably miss whatever the Duke Boys was a getting us into next because I am mystified that his wife was a TEACHER!  Why Why Why has no one had the balls to say to him hey man that aint the right word.

Rurnt…..if you don’t live in the great state of Misery you may not have heard this one…..its actually Ruined I can not comprehend how ruined evolved here into rurnt and just if you want to try it out for fun its pronounced as one syllable not two, its not rur and then ent oh no that would almost make sense no its RURnt.

Litraully-this is common and I also think cute.  If you don’t exactly know how to pronounce it the emphasis goes like this li-TRAUL-ly

Lumium Foil-This is older folks round here and I know for some people aluminum is hard to pronounce and I guess Lu-mi-um is just easier.

Pepsicola Florida…..gee I really don’t think any explanation is needed here….

Drippids….this is probably my son Jake’s most hated mispronunciation.  Its his grandfather who says it and Jake says he can be really hungry and the food smell really good and as soon as his grandfather says I made that gravy with the chicken drippids he is to grossed out to eat.  To me its hilarious both the word and the reaction my son has to it.

Scribe….Okay you may be thinking hey hey miss smartypants SCRIBE is a word.  For these reason I will regale you with a conversation from some years back.  I was at my boyfriends house and his father was talking to a neighbor about a man who was stopping by each place as he had lost his hunting dog.  The father asked the neighbor after he had told him he had seen his prize dog; How did you know it was the same dog?  Neighbor says; Well, he scribed it to me and I scribed it right back to him.  …..I rest my case

Mushtash….I find that an inordinate number of people can not say this word correctly and when I was compiling this list I was talking to my son about it and after I said it both ways a few times in a row I had difficulty myself and have come to the conclusion that this should be one of those peter piper deals that no one has written yet….

Exepecially…also very common but grates on your nerves if you hear it a few times in a conversation.  I find my thoughts turning after about the third one to nifty ways to dispose of a body.

Chimley…this seems to be Kentucky born and bred.  I have never heard this anywhere else except in jest from someone who had been to Kentucky…and I can say that without malice because my family is in part from Kentucky so if you are from Kentucky don’t write me nasty mails about it cuz I prolly couldn’t cipher it anyway….jeez it’s a joke.

Zink…now here is another fine example of a real word that it would appear I have spelled wrong but no this Zink often has the word kitchen or bathroom in front of it.  I asked my mother why the older people said this and her response was priceless…..”Their just puttin on like their stuff is fancy and trying to make you think they got something imported, like maybe their stuff is from France.”

Often….when I was a teenager I was guilty of this.  I would say Off and Ten and then finally a teacher told me hey dufus the T is silent.  Okay she didn’t really say Dufus but I sure did feel like one.

Libary…this was the funniest thing.  I was watching the news and the report was on some county in Southern Illinois was getting a government grant for a new library.  They interviewed several people who all talked about how they had to go to other libaries out of the county and this was going to be so nice having their very own libary.   Once again I thought okay well its just the regular people or as we call them raglar folk that was using this but then the reporter and the anchor used it as well.  My mouth dropped open.  I ran it back on my DVR and played it over and over and eventually saved it to play at parties!

Sterning wheel….another neighbor of that same boyfriends father…what a gem he was!
Saul-te….this so far is strictly family but cracks me up just the same…some of my family add an extra L just willy nilly the word is actually sauté but the pronunciation they use is saul-tay

Lowells….this is the home improvement store Lowes and the really odd thing about this is that one of the family members who says this married into the family and guess what her maiden name was…ding ding ding it was Lowes. 

Yallow….We have made fun of my father for years because he says this…still funny today and he refuses to say it any other way….oh and as an added bonus this was the color of the next item on the list!  My brother later purchased yellow shoes as a joke which he kept in his truck all the time and when we made that trip to Branson Jake forgot to pack shoes and was wearing dress shoes….this was in his dressing up phase.. So he ended up wearing those shoes the entire time we were there!

Tenner shoes…..another gem from dear old dad but then again most of his brothers and sisters say the same thing.

Carvette…..my brother is very smart but when he was a kid this was the word he used to describe the car he wanted….priceless!

Rockwhiler….this will never not be funny to me!

Undoubtly…….My family uses this and its okay a few times but after awhile I am lookin for a gun

Michael wave….I love this and I say it now!  My grandmother says microwave this way and I think its adorable.

Wind-a…..My mother will never admit that she says this but she does and when she does and then we say something she gets pissed.  I do okay with this one but my daughter Jordan needs medication when she hears it.

Birffday…..this grates on my nerves and that is all there is to it.  I don’t get it, when you are a little kid you might say this but by the time you are old enough to read my only periodically logical mind tells me that you should be able to sound it out as you are reading it on your own damn CAKE!

Valentimes Day……another nerve grater for me.  Sometimes I think this is just a regional thing though, do you know people who say this?

Et…my aunt says this.  You have no clue do you, here I will use it in a sentence for you.; No we aint hungry we already et.  It is terribly charming when she does it

What's A Year In the Life Of A Writer

I came to Blogger.com some time ago, well a year ago and signed up. I was bright eyed and bushy tailed, fingers at the ready with a quip or touching commentary paining me to get out and into the written word. I wrote my first blog like an invitation and published it. Having never blogged at an actual blog site I was unsure about the process and a little insecure to boot. Nevertheless I hit the publish button and off it went. I was so proud of myself that I decided that was enough greatness for one evening and I closed it down, not to return until this very morning at daybreak.

The pain in my fingers that I had assumed to be from this great need in me to get the words out, turned out to be of a slightly less altruistic and slightly more medical reason. We will get to all of that later and yes there will be a later.

I still am not sure of what I am doing here nor that there is truly a place for me here. I am willing to muddle through what I have no clue about and try to learn something along the way. So far it is looking like the odds are stacked against me. Then again, that seems to be when I do some of my best work. Time will tell if I have what it takes to write something interesting everyday. I think I will have to do a different blog for today as by my standards this one isn't it! But just wait and see what I do next. Well, once I get it figured out how I find people to actually come and read my drivel.

What is a year in the life of a writer? For this writer the year has brought many things, many stories and brought back many memories that I want to share along the way. I have made new friends, lost old friends and dear loved ones and walked a little further on my journey into total and complete insanity. It wont be long now!

The Lovely Writer